Love with a touch of Wagner

So, I went to see the apartment, which was basically perfect.. It is a huge place on the top floor of an old victorian house -- lots of square footage, dishwasher, free laundry, super nice building manager, and a garden out back that I would be free to use!

I really really liked it, but I'm still not sure.  Definitely felt some of my boyfriend's distant-ness when I got home that night - he was spending endless time on the computer and phone, but then we ended up watching a documentary on the production of Wagner's Ring Cycle by the Met.  Who else would ever want to watch that??  But it was fascinating, and both of us enjoyed it.  By the way, if you are an opera fan, PBS is broadcasting all of the Ring Cycle this week -- it is totally awesome, and the director, Robert Lepage, brought in some really cool innovative techniques for the set design.  Highly recommended!

Anyway, I did not end up talking to him about the apartment, probably because I'm a wimp, and afraid of losing him, even though I kind of feel like I already am in a lot of ways, which is why I went to look at the apartment in the first place.  Sigh.  Then, yesterday morning, he brought up that he'd like to talk about our financial arrangements, but we didn't end up talking about it last night like we had planned.  Instead we made dinner, and cuddled on the couch watching "Das Rheingold".  Now he is sending me recipes, etc. of things he saw online that I might like.  Maybe he sensed something was up?

Perhaps I should mention that he just recently (Labor Day weekend) attended a wedding for two of his close friends, and I opted not to go with him.  This was partly because I felt a little uncomfortable with the setting (we've been a bit rocky lately), but also because he was going to be very busy with wedding duties, and because my family's reunion was taking place the same weekend.  I'd previously planned not to attend my reunion (which, in hind-sight, I think I should have stuck with that decision), but then felt like I should go SOMEWHERE.  But it ended up feeling a little like I was just choosing not to go with him to the wedding.  Which, maybe I was.  Hm.  Maybe this whole thing is just my problem, all in my head.  Still don't know what to do.

It's Been a Long Time..

But I think it's time to pick this blog thing back up again.  Life has changed drastically since the last time I posted.

In brief, I parted ways with my job in Small Town, moved back to City A, and moved in with Guy #3 in June 2010 when he closed on his house.  I've now been living with Guy #3 for a little over 2 years, and am on my way to another big change in life, this time with school.  I am officially pursuing my second Master's.

As I type this, I sit at my computer in the still-under-renovation master bedroom taking a break from homework, and smelling braised duck with garlic, white wine, and homemade chicken stock simmering downstairs.  Yum!  I love duck, white wine, and garlic, so what's not to like, right?

Anyway, I just thought about this blog again because I have to keep a different blog for one of my classes this semester, and I do sort of miss my old online journal.  I used to always keep journals -- there are tons of books in boxes, filled with writing from the time I was in about 2nd grade through college -- and I always find the need to write when I'm going through big changes.

Recently, with me and Guy #3 approaching our 3 year anniversary, I've been thinking about breaking up with him.  This is a really difficult thought for me since I do love him dearly.  The problem is, for well over a year now, I have been unclear about his feelings (though he says he loves me) due to his seeming coldness and indifference.  He is always busy with work, and it is very difficult to ever get him to commit to spending time together.  He even gives me a hard time when I request a hug or a cuddle, saying he is too busy.  Who is too busy for a hug??

I have tried to be very up front with him about what I want in life: marriage, life-long love, partnership, and maybe children.  He, on the other hand, skirts the issue and says he isn't sure what he wants.  So here I am, getter older, in a relationship with a man who might never give me what I need.  Ugh.  I do love him, but it is very frustrating and upsetting.  Sometimes when I think about it too much, it makes me really sad, and then mad at him for not being there for me.  Lately, these eruptions have become more frequent, to the point that it is practically all I can think about.

While things seem mostly okay between us on the surface (like tonight, when he came home with duck from the store and we hung out in the kitchen while we prepared it), whenever we actually have a real conversation, it seems distant and tense.  It really stresses me out to live like this, and we talked about it over the summer, even going to see a couples therapist for a few sessions.  Neither of us liked her methods very much, so we stopped seeing her and decided to work on our relationship our own way.  So, I got a few books out from the library that talk about the issues we've been going through, and I arranged a few times for us to sit down together and talk about them.  He was not very receptive, and we quickly fell back into our pattern of limited conversation and interaction.

At this point, I'm not sure what else I can do.  I find myself feeling sad about our relationship more often than I'm happy, and I often resent him.  At one time I thought he was definitely "the one", but now I can't imagine what a marriage would be like with him.   Is this relationship savable?  Is it worth saving?  At the same time, now that I'm back in school, I find myself wondering if this might be my last major opportunity to meet new people (ie- future husband), and whether I should just cut my losses and find someone new.  I just don't know anymore, but I've set up a tentative appointment to view an apartment tomorrow.  I figure once I have a back-up option, I'll open the conversation with him one last time and see what he has to say.

So world, what do you think I should do?

Rhubarb Crumble

I love rhubarb -- anything sour, really. It is delicious. I saw some great looking rhubarb at the store the other day and could not resist. It was smooth, bright pink, fresh and tender. I made up this easy recipe as I went, and it turned out delicious!

Rhubarb Crumble

1 lb. fresh rhubarb, chopped into 1 inch pieces
1/2 c. sugar

Crumble topping:
3/4 c. oats
3/4 c. flour
1/2 c. brown sugar
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 tsp. salt
4 tbsp. shortening of choice -- I used butter, but could have easily just used oil or anything else

Assembly is pretty easy. Spray 9"x9" casserole (or whatever pan you have) with non-stick spray. Put rhubarb into casserole, dump sugar on top, and toss. In separate bowl, mix together ingredients for crumble. If using butter, crumble it in as you would for biscuits, but if using oil, just mix. This crumble recipe makes a little extra topping (can be used for variety of other things another time). Distribute crumble over top of rhubarb and bake at 350 degrees F for 25-30 minutes. Eat.

I suppose you could have this with vanilla ice cream, yogurt, or milk, but the smell of it's deliciousness kept me from doing any of these things. I just ate. Enjoy!

Love from a distance

Relationships are so complicated, and long-distance dating makes it even harder. When your partner is far away, it brings out every dumb insecurity that you ever had in relationships.. like, does he like me as much as I like him? Does he like me too much? Does he understand me? Even though my boyfriend gives me no reason to doubt him -- he always brings me thoughtful gifts when he comes to visit, sometimes sends me sweet packages, and we have such great talks on the phone -- I still sometimes find myself wondering if he could possibly care about me as much as he says, or if I really love him or if I'm just holding on because he is the only constant in my life while everything else is changing. I admit, the last time I visited him, I felt a little detached emotionally, as if sex was the only thing we had in common any more. Not that we didn't have fun hanging out, but I found myself wondering if it was really worth the drive or if I was just holding on for other reasons. That is horrible. He is wonderful. I think I was just feeling a little insecure because this love thing is so new to me, and sometimes he doesn't say those three words quite often enough. I did not mention this to him, but I think he could tell something was up. He's been telling me he loves me a lot more now, which does make me feel better actually. Is that stupid?

But, now that he's saying it more often, it also makes me miss him more, which is another reason that I had allowed myself to feel detached sometimes (easier emotionally to not be longing for him all the time). He was supposed to come visit next weekend as part of a business/family visit trip, but now he probably won't be able to come my way because of the way the business aspect of his trip has worked out. This makes me sad. In fact, I've already cried about it more than once. Am I crazy? I'm not normally a crier, but he just seems to bring it out in me. Without this coming weekend, we won't be able to get together until Easter at the earliest -- a full month since the last time we saw each other. Does anyone out there have tips or suggestions for how to keep the love alive from a distance and not lose your mind? I could sure use some help in that department.

Love and Tiny Steaks with Mushroom Sauce

I am in love, and have been happily so for a little while now.. my boyfriend is truly wonderful in every possible way, and I find myself with crazy thoughts of settling down in my head. The only problem is, we don't live in the same place. I don't particularly like living in Small Town so far, but I do love my new job here. I really miss my bf all the time though, and that makes me wonder about going back to City A, but it seems so early to make a drastic decision like that.. argh. Love is wonderful, but slightly frustrating. In fact, it was when he was visiting one weekend in Small Town, and I had a brief little cry about his impending departure back to the city that he said those magical words.. "I love you". That was several weeks ago now, and it is one of the only things I can think about lately. He is smart, thoughtful, ambitious, caring, kind, funny, sensitive, has the same values as me, and cares about the same things. We even sit at the breakfast table together sometimes, listening to NPR, and gazing into each others' nerdy/misty eyes. We are complete nerds, and I love him for it, and he loves me. Sigh. I'm going to see him again this weekend.

On another topic, I made an awesome dinner last night -- so delicious, and very economical! What you need: very thin-sliced round steaks (super cheap), mushrooms, milk, potatoes, butter, kale, garlic, red pepper flakes.

Tiny Steaks with Mashed Potatoes & Mushroom Gravy, and Sauteed Kale

In order for everything to be ready at the same time, you'll want to start with the potatoes -- clean them up, chop into even-sized pieces, and place in a small pot with cold water and plenty of salt. The quantity of potatoes will vary depending on how many people you want to serve, but my general rule is 2 potatoes per person -- who ever complained of too many mashed potatoes?? Anyway, put enough water to cover the chopped potatoes, place lid on top, and bring to boil on the stove.

Meanwhile, wash the kale, and give it a rough chop. I also remove the stems since they are sometimes tough. Remember that kale shrinks when it cooks, so I'd allow a generous handful of raw kale for each person. Also rinse and slice a couple of mushrooms, keeping them separate from the kale (serving for one, I used 2 button mushrooms).

Get out a good heavy iron skillet, wipe with an oiled napkin or paper towel -- not so much oil that it pools in the bottom, but enough to make the pan shiny. I use vegetable oil since it will be getting very hot. Heat the oiled pan for a few minutes on medium -- it will get very hot. While the pan is heating, this is a good time to check on the doneness of the potatoes, and get them ready to mash.

Drain cooked potatoes (poke them with a fork to test doneness) in a colander, then dump into the bowl of your standing mixer. Add salt, pepper, and butter to taste -- when the potatoes are very hot like this, they absorb more flavor. Begin mixing on a low setting, then add milk a little at a time, gradually speeding up the mixer to whip the potatoes. Adjust seasoning, and keep in a warm place.

Now, put the steak(s) into the hot cast iron skillet -- it will sizzle. Allow to cook 2-3 minutes on each side, getting nicely browned, but not overcooked. After flipping the steaks, get started on the kale.

In a separate saute pan, heat a little drizzle of olive oil with a sprinkle of red pepper flakes. When hot, throw in chopped kale. It will sizzle and pop, especially if the kale is still wet, so beware. Stir kale quickly so it does not scorch. Once it begins to wilt, add chopped garlic to taste. Stir rapidly in pan, and add some salt. Do not brown the garlic. Add a splash of water towards the end (about 1 tbsp.), toss it around in the pan, and turn off the heat. It will be bright green, very garlicy and delicious.

Steak should be done cooking by now. Remove it from the iron pan, season with salt and pepper, and cover to keep warm. With heat turned down low (or off), put a pat of butter into same cast iron skillet, let melt, then throw in sliced mushrooms, with a little salt and pepper. Stir lightly and allow mushrooms to cook. When they are cooked, add some milk to the pan, bring up the heat, and scrape all the pan drippings into the gravy. Test the seasoning -- may need a little extra salt.

Now that everything is ready, serve steak next to a mound of mashed potatoes, top with mushroom gravy, and serve kale alongside. Serve with red wine of choice. This was awesome.

My New Life

So, it's been quite a while since my last post.. mainly because I still don't have internet service hooked up at my new home, but also because I've just been really busy in general. December was crazy.

Just to be clear about locations, I will henceforth refer to the place I moved from as City A, the place I moved to as Small Town, and my Christmas destination as Back Home. I officially moved on the 18th, went to my new place in Small Town to unpack for a few days, drove back to City A to stay with my boyfriend for a night (though that part was semi-unplanned) and fly out of the airport there for Christmas the next day. I arrived Back Home on the 23rd, stayed there for Christmas, flew back to City A on Dec. 30th and spent New Year's with my boyfriend. Then I drove back to Small Town on the Saturday night before starting my new job on Monday, January 4th. Phew! Since then, I have been very busy at my new job -- which I love, by the way -- in addition to unpacking and settling into my new home, and keeping tabs with Guy #3.

Now for the details.. prior to my leaving City A for my move in mid-December, things were going well with Guy #3, but not overly serious... we had not even discussed what would happen after my move, so I was unsure of things and a little nervous in general. When I drove back to City A to catch my flight for Christmas, I had made arrangements to stay at my old apartment for the night (sans furniture) and just leave in the morning.. but things turned out a little differently.. I had talked to Guy #3 a little earlier that day when I was leaving Small Town on my way back to City A, and we planned to meet up for dinner after I had run a few errands in the city. Dinner ended up being a little later than we had planned (maybe 8:30ish), which was fine, but then we ended up having a really nice time at dinner (this cute little french bistro) and hung out there for a while.. we went back to his place so I could get my car, went inside for a minute, and never came back out.. that was our first "sleep over", and admittedly, I was a little surprised. I was not expecting that to happen, and he took such good care of me.. making me comfortable in his apartment, getting up early to drive me to the airport, etc. We kept in touch the whole time I was Back Home, and talked a little about what we might like to do for New Year's. I again had made arrangements (talked to my landlady about using the extra bed above her art studio) to stay at my old apartment, not really sure of how things would go when I got back and prepared to move on to my new life in Small Town. He picked me up from the airport, and I ended up staying the entire time (4 days, 3 nights) at his place. Everything was so easy. And, one might think that spending that much time together all at once might be a little much, but it wasn't. We were perfectly amiable the entire time, even when we were just hanging out making breakfast or watching TV.

He took care of everything. Even though he proclaims himself to not know anything about cooking, over the course of my visit, he made me french toast, attempted salmon (though we weren't home on-time to eat it on New Year's Eve), made chili.. and he had prepared in advance.. bought us champagne and glasses, plus had remembered my favorite cereal and bought that for my visit as well. On New Year's Eve, we went downtown (where I was helping to coordinate the parade), met up with some of his friends for drinks, had a few snacks at the bar, and had planned to return home and have dinner before going back out to a couple of New Year's parties. We didn't end up leaving the bar downtown until about 10pm, got back to the house and ended up having snack/party foods with champagne while watching the countdown on TV and cuddling under a blanket. We decided not to go to any parties, got a little fizzy from the champagne and just went to sleep. I think it was one of my better New Year's experiences in recent memory -- certainly better than last year, which is a whole miserable saga in itself..

I woke up the next morning to the smiling face and happy new year's wishes of Guy #3, who is now officially my boyfriend. He made me french toast, and I made the eggs.. we had a lazy morning before going off to his friends' house for a casual afternoon gathering (I think so his friends could approve me), and had a nice time, but didn't stay too long. Not that we had anything else pressing to get to, but we just wanted to spend all of our time together. That is pretty much how my entire visit went. On the day that I had to leave for Small Town, I kept tearing up. I tried not to, and it even makes me a little watery to think of it, but it couldn't be helped. I seem to always tear up at the thought of us parting. We delayed it as long as possible, but eventually I had to go. He snuck outside to scrape the ice off my car and packed me dinner and some snacks for my arrival while I was getting everything ready to go. He really might be the perfect man.

Since then, it has been very hard being apart. He has been to Small Town for one visit so far, and is coming again on this coming weekend. I will be in City A for Valentine's weekend. His last visit went as perfectly as our time together in City A. He told me that he thinks he is falling in love.. and I think I am too.. it's just sort of scary at this point because everything has moved so quickly and I already have such strong feelings for him. I question myself, and wonder if the whole thing is just a fantasy that would never last if we were actually living near each other and saw each other more often.. but I think I could see myself living out the rest of my life with him very easily, and very happily. And he even commented last time he was here.. "I think I could make you very happy."

My job is also going great so far -- my coworkers (all 3 of them) are all really nice and fun to work with, and I really feel like a valued part of the team. Though I still have a lot to learn, I am enjoying being in a position where I am learning so much and getting to flex my brain a lot more instead of just taking orders and being bogged down with work like my last job. They actually listen and value my opinion, and I value them too. It is really nice. I can honestly say for the first time in several years -- I love my job! It was definitely the right decision to come here. My only sticking point has been with my boyfriend. I miss him. I do love my job, but if things continue to progress as they are with Guy #3, I think I will want to live closer to him. I'm not sure what we will/would do about this, but I'm just going to put it out of my mind for now.. the important part is that I love my job, and am dating a man who makes me happy.

Rosemary Shortbread

As I'm getting ready to move to my new home this Friday, everything is really setting in. Packing is not going terribly well so far, but hoping to make better progress in that department tomorrow now that I have some bigger boxes. I also went out for some good local food tonight with a few friends.

Guy #3 is still pretty great. We spent the entire afternoon and evening together on Saturday walking around a holiday artists' market, then driving around to look at Christmas lights, and finally settling in to watch a Christmas movie on TV instead of going out to a couple of big events that were going on that night. It was nice just staying in and snuggling/kissing on the couch. Even after the movie was over, we just listened to holiday music and cuddled on the couch for a long time. It was nice just to be with him and rest my head on his shoulder. Even so, I did have a couple of panicked moments, worrying about what happens next, and my usual fear of commitment issues, but those subsiding, he really is great. He came out with me and my friends tonight, bringing boxes from his office to help me out, and we made semi-plans to get together again this week before I leave, and again when I'm in town for New Year's.

I think he is in it for the long haul, but I still have a couple of fears... he seems so put together, well-groomed, and polished.. it's slightly intimidating.. also, I am in general fearful of commitment and letting my guard down completely. Even though he is clearly a good guy and would never purposefully do anything to hurt me (hard to think of him even accidentally doing something wrong since he is so conscientious..), I am scared. I'm not really sure how to overcome this -- it has always been a problem for me -- but it is something I need to work on if I ever hope to be in a successful relationship. I feel guilty even having these feelings with him because he is so good to me. I have no reason whatsoever to doubt him. Everything he does is so automatically thoughtful and caring. Must make myself relax.

Before packing this week, I had to get some Christmas presents out in the mail to the extended family. For the more distant relatives, I generally send them a big box of goodies to share. This year I sent chocolate-dipped peanut brittle, coffee beans from my favorite local roaster, and a large tin of rosemary shortbread. The shortbread turned out great and was very easy!

Rosemary Shortbread

• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 3/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
• 1 tablespoon chopped fresh rosemary
• 1 1/2 sticks (3/4 cup) unsalted butter, softened
• 2 tablespoons mild honey
• 1/2 cup confectioners sugar
• 1 tablespoon granulated sugar

Whisk together flour, salt, baking powder, and rosemary in a bowl.

Mix together butter, honey, and confectioners sugar in a large bowl with an electric mixer at low speed, then add flour mixture and mix until dough resembles coarse meal with some small (roughly pea-size) butter lumps. Gather dough into a ball and transfer to a lightly floured surface. Knead dough until it just comes together, about 8 times.

Form dough into a disk shape, wrap in plastic wrap, and chill for at least 20 minutes. Dough should be cold, but malleable. It can also be made in advance. Chilling the dough helps the cookies keep their shape in the oven.

When you are ready to bake, preheat oven to 300°F. Lay out a sheet of wax paper on the counter and dust with flour. Place disk of chilled dough onto wax paper, and top with a little more flour and a second sheet of wax paper. Using rolling pin, roll out dough to desired thickness into a square shape. Cut dough into 1-inch squares using a pizza cutter. Place squares onto greased cookie sheets, sprinkle lightly with granulated sugar, and bake for 20-25 minutes until golden.