So, I went to see the apartment, which was basically perfect.. It is a huge place on the top floor of an old victorian house -- lots of square footage, dishwasher, free laundry, super nice building manager, and a garden out back that I would be free to use!
I really really liked it, but I'm still not sure. Definitely felt some of my boyfriend's distant-ness when I got home that night - he was spending endless time on the computer and phone, but then we ended up watching a documentary on the production of Wagner's Ring Cycle by the Met. Who else would ever want to watch that?? But it was fascinating, and both of us enjoyed it. By the way, if you are an opera fan, PBS is broadcasting all of the Ring Cycle this week -- it is totally awesome, and the director, Robert Lepage, brought in some really cool innovative techniques for the set design. Highly recommended!
Anyway, I did not end up talking to him about the apartment, probably because I'm a wimp, and afraid of losing him, even though I kind of feel like I already am in a lot of ways, which is why I went to look at the apartment in the first place. Sigh. Then, yesterday morning, he brought up that he'd like to talk about our financial arrangements, but we didn't end up talking about it last night like we had planned. Instead we made dinner, and cuddled on the couch watching "Das Rheingold". Now he is sending me recipes, etc. of things he saw online that I might like. Maybe he sensed something was up?
Perhaps I should mention that he just recently (Labor Day weekend) attended a wedding for two of his close friends, and I opted not to go with him. This was partly because I felt a little uncomfortable with the setting (we've been a bit rocky lately), but also because he was going to be very busy with wedding duties, and because my family's reunion was taking place the same weekend. I'd previously planned not to attend my reunion (which, in hind-sight, I think I should have stuck with that decision), but then felt like I should go SOMEWHERE. But it ended up feeling a little like I was just choosing not to go with him to the wedding. Which, maybe I was. Hm. Maybe this whole thing is just my problem, all in my head. Still don't know what to do.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Sunday, September 9, 2012
It's Been a Long Time..
But I think it's time to pick this blog thing back up again. Life has changed drastically since the last time I posted.
In brief, I parted ways with my job in Small Town, moved back to City A, and moved in with Guy #3 in June 2010 when he closed on his house. I've now been living with Guy #3 for a little over 2 years, and am on my way to another big change in life, this time with school. I am officially pursuing my second Master's.
As I type this, I sit at my computer in the still-under-renovation master bedroom taking a break from homework, and smelling braised duck with garlic, white wine, and homemade chicken stock simmering downstairs. Yum! I love duck, white wine, and garlic, so what's not to like, right?
Anyway, I just thought about this blog again because I have to keep a different blog for one of my classes this semester, and I do sort of miss my old online journal. I used to always keep journals -- there are tons of books in boxes, filled with writing from the time I was in about 2nd grade through college -- and I always find the need to write when I'm going through big changes.
Recently, with me and Guy #3 approaching our 3 year anniversary, I've been thinking about breaking up with him. This is a really difficult thought for me since I do love him dearly. The problem is, for well over a year now, I have been unclear about his feelings (though he says he loves me) due to his seeming coldness and indifference. He is always busy with work, and it is very difficult to ever get him to commit to spending time together. He even gives me a hard time when I request a hug or a cuddle, saying he is too busy. Who is too busy for a hug??
I have tried to be very up front with him about what I want in life: marriage, life-long love, partnership, and maybe children. He, on the other hand, skirts the issue and says he isn't sure what he wants. So here I am, getter older, in a relationship with a man who might never give me what I need. Ugh. I do love him, but it is very frustrating and upsetting. Sometimes when I think about it too much, it makes me really sad, and then mad at him for not being there for me. Lately, these eruptions have become more frequent, to the point that it is practically all I can think about.
While things seem mostly okay between us on the surface (like tonight, when he came home with duck from the store and we hung out in the kitchen while we prepared it), whenever we actually have a real conversation, it seems distant and tense. It really stresses me out to live like this, and we talked about it over the summer, even going to see a couples therapist for a few sessions. Neither of us liked her methods very much, so we stopped seeing her and decided to work on our relationship our own way. So, I got a few books out from the library that talk about the issues we've been going through, and I arranged a few times for us to sit down together and talk about them. He was not very receptive, and we quickly fell back into our pattern of limited conversation and interaction.
At this point, I'm not sure what else I can do. I find myself feeling sad about our relationship more often than I'm happy, and I often resent him. At one time I thought he was definitely "the one", but now I can't imagine what a marriage would be like with him. Is this relationship savable? Is it worth saving? At the same time, now that I'm back in school, I find myself wondering if this might be my last major opportunity to meet new people (ie- future husband), and whether I should just cut my losses and find someone new. I just don't know anymore, but I've set up a tentative appointment to view an apartment tomorrow. I figure once I have a back-up option, I'll open the conversation with him one last time and see what he has to say.
So world, what do you think I should do?
In brief, I parted ways with my job in Small Town, moved back to City A, and moved in with Guy #3 in June 2010 when he closed on his house. I've now been living with Guy #3 for a little over 2 years, and am on my way to another big change in life, this time with school. I am officially pursuing my second Master's.
As I type this, I sit at my computer in the still-under-renovation master bedroom taking a break from homework, and smelling braised duck with garlic, white wine, and homemade chicken stock simmering downstairs. Yum! I love duck, white wine, and garlic, so what's not to like, right?
Anyway, I just thought about this blog again because I have to keep a different blog for one of my classes this semester, and I do sort of miss my old online journal. I used to always keep journals -- there are tons of books in boxes, filled with writing from the time I was in about 2nd grade through college -- and I always find the need to write when I'm going through big changes.
Recently, with me and Guy #3 approaching our 3 year anniversary, I've been thinking about breaking up with him. This is a really difficult thought for me since I do love him dearly. The problem is, for well over a year now, I have been unclear about his feelings (though he says he loves me) due to his seeming coldness and indifference. He is always busy with work, and it is very difficult to ever get him to commit to spending time together. He even gives me a hard time when I request a hug or a cuddle, saying he is too busy. Who is too busy for a hug??
I have tried to be very up front with him about what I want in life: marriage, life-long love, partnership, and maybe children. He, on the other hand, skirts the issue and says he isn't sure what he wants. So here I am, getter older, in a relationship with a man who might never give me what I need. Ugh. I do love him, but it is very frustrating and upsetting. Sometimes when I think about it too much, it makes me really sad, and then mad at him for not being there for me. Lately, these eruptions have become more frequent, to the point that it is practically all I can think about.
While things seem mostly okay between us on the surface (like tonight, when he came home with duck from the store and we hung out in the kitchen while we prepared it), whenever we actually have a real conversation, it seems distant and tense. It really stresses me out to live like this, and we talked about it over the summer, even going to see a couples therapist for a few sessions. Neither of us liked her methods very much, so we stopped seeing her and decided to work on our relationship our own way. So, I got a few books out from the library that talk about the issues we've been going through, and I arranged a few times for us to sit down together and talk about them. He was not very receptive, and we quickly fell back into our pattern of limited conversation and interaction.
At this point, I'm not sure what else I can do. I find myself feeling sad about our relationship more often than I'm happy, and I often resent him. At one time I thought he was definitely "the one", but now I can't imagine what a marriage would be like with him. Is this relationship savable? Is it worth saving? At the same time, now that I'm back in school, I find myself wondering if this might be my last major opportunity to meet new people (ie- future husband), and whether I should just cut my losses and find someone new. I just don't know anymore, but I've set up a tentative appointment to view an apartment tomorrow. I figure once I have a back-up option, I'll open the conversation with him one last time and see what he has to say.
So world, what do you think I should do?
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