It's Been a Long Time..

But I think it's time to pick this blog thing back up again.  Life has changed drastically since the last time I posted.

In brief, I parted ways with my job in Small Town, moved back to City A, and moved in with Guy #3 in June 2010 when he closed on his house.  I've now been living with Guy #3 for a little over 2 years, and am on my way to another big change in life, this time with school.  I am officially pursuing my second Master's.

As I type this, I sit at my computer in the still-under-renovation master bedroom taking a break from homework, and smelling braised duck with garlic, white wine, and homemade chicken stock simmering downstairs.  Yum!  I love duck, white wine, and garlic, so what's not to like, right?

Anyway, I just thought about this blog again because I have to keep a different blog for one of my classes this semester, and I do sort of miss my old online journal.  I used to always keep journals -- there are tons of books in boxes, filled with writing from the time I was in about 2nd grade through college -- and I always find the need to write when I'm going through big changes.

Recently, with me and Guy #3 approaching our 3 year anniversary, I've been thinking about breaking up with him.  This is a really difficult thought for me since I do love him dearly.  The problem is, for well over a year now, I have been unclear about his feelings (though he says he loves me) due to his seeming coldness and indifference.  He is always busy with work, and it is very difficult to ever get him to commit to spending time together.  He even gives me a hard time when I request a hug or a cuddle, saying he is too busy.  Who is too busy for a hug??

I have tried to be very up front with him about what I want in life: marriage, life-long love, partnership, and maybe children.  He, on the other hand, skirts the issue and says he isn't sure what he wants.  So here I am, getter older, in a relationship with a man who might never give me what I need.  Ugh.  I do love him, but it is very frustrating and upsetting.  Sometimes when I think about it too much, it makes me really sad, and then mad at him for not being there for me.  Lately, these eruptions have become more frequent, to the point that it is practically all I can think about.

While things seem mostly okay between us on the surface (like tonight, when he came home with duck from the store and we hung out in the kitchen while we prepared it), whenever we actually have a real conversation, it seems distant and tense.  It really stresses me out to live like this, and we talked about it over the summer, even going to see a couples therapist for a few sessions.  Neither of us liked her methods very much, so we stopped seeing her and decided to work on our relationship our own way.  So, I got a few books out from the library that talk about the issues we've been going through, and I arranged a few times for us to sit down together and talk about them.  He was not very receptive, and we quickly fell back into our pattern of limited conversation and interaction.

At this point, I'm not sure what else I can do.  I find myself feeling sad about our relationship more often than I'm happy, and I often resent him.  At one time I thought he was definitely "the one", but now I can't imagine what a marriage would be like with him.   Is this relationship savable?  Is it worth saving?  At the same time, now that I'm back in school, I find myself wondering if this might be my last major opportunity to meet new people (ie- future husband), and whether I should just cut my losses and find someone new.  I just don't know anymore, but I've set up a tentative appointment to view an apartment tomorrow.  I figure once I have a back-up option, I'll open the conversation with him one last time and see what he has to say.

So world, what do you think I should do?